Refusal in Opening

The Who I Want to Be
So far from Who I Am

Feels like a Constant
Becoming

Just short of [blooming]

My mind barely wraps around this concept before that concept becomes a higher Truth
Head barely above the waves
I taste the salt of the sea:
Drowning,

I
spin up,
Legs kicking - I break the surface -
But the tension is [killing me]
I just want to rest




But to rest is to perish now.

When will the chrysalis fall
So I can spread my wings?
Feels like eternal spring,
And the bud I'm in is too tight to relinquish the petals.

The White-ness of the Whale (The Plight of the Stay at Home Mother Part 2)

I used to be
A literary scholar

I waxed poetic about
whales and whiteness and waves and metaphors that meant: the personification of the plight of Ireland.

I never
even
liked
that
book

But Melville was somehow better

Than laundry/dishes/dishracks/mud-stained carpets/sweeping/washing windows/endless washing

Somehow

Standing in front of thirty unrelated teenagers felt like living

And now
Sitting in front of a computer screen with cups of coffee and trying to find something to do with my useless time I can't help feeling like

Failing

Is all that I ever accomplish

No sooner have I learned how to do something than that something changes and I'm supposed to

cherish every moment

I just wonder:

What has become of me.

The Plight of the Stay-At-Home Mother

Nothing really happens.

At other jobs there is the illusion of things happening.
Each day a little different.
Something you can call "adventure" or
"heroism": maybe you "saved the day" today

at work

at your job

And even if

In the grand scheme of things

Your job affects

Literally nothing...

You are able to feel:

powerful
empowered
whole
useful
interesting
needed
necessary

[employed]

We are told our whole lives that our occupation "defines us"

And now...

When we sit at home and our children cry over a bad school day and homework is not done and you do not want to argue about whether or not she can watch Octonauts while writing the letter that is a result of her teacher handing out a "red card"

We do not
Feel
[powerful/empowered/useful/interesting/needed/necessary]
employed.

We feel.

Alone
Lonely
Sad
Verklempt
Frustrated
Useless
tired

tired

tired.