Numb-less

I thought Autumn was supposed to bring the sweet relief of mania
And now
With these meds
I feel
Empty
Paranoid
Nauseous.

Is it that the light hasn't shifted quite far enough toward Equinox?
The air yet too hot for me to feel satisfaction
Quicken my heart's pacing
Allow me to shed this heavy coat that is never ever winter

I sit quietly in the shallow water
Wishing it were deep enough for drowning.

On The Bravery in Taking Medication for Your Mental Illness #1

This is the first spring when I haven't felt
Dragged through slush under truck tires

When the trees blossom and pear flowers sprinkle the grass like strange snowflakes
I normally sink into a slow and oily pit of blackness:
Backward hibernation,
I don't want to see the way the world creates a reflection of new-life when I
Feel dead inside,

I prefer Autumn:
Leaves peeling from the trees and scattering their beauty beneath them -
I leave a trail of Beauty but my branches are empty...

This year is different.

For the first time since I was fifteen I have been able to appreciate
The purple of the violets
As they protrude passionately from the neighbor's knoll-y yard,
I breathe in annoying pollen and somehow the smell is fresh
Instead of obnoxious.

I don't know what healing looks like,
But maybe it feels like seeing spring.