On Sabotaging Everything.

It was...
One of the happiest days of my life.
As the steam rose from our hand-thrown mugs of hot cocoa
The cheap Swiss Miss marshmallow packet kind
Our laughing bouncing off the kitchen walls and
into your mother's room
The television playing car racing
Snowflakes still flickering white and orange/red/silver in the lamplight of your suburban street
My muscles still ache at the thought of all the sledding
How my hair blew in your face as we zipped down the hill
Your backyard
Trudging up, sliding down
All afternoon
Flakes flashing.  Sun blazing.  The air content to be cold.
And more laughing
Stripping off our snowsuits down to our wet jeans and frazzled sweaters and gorging on warm microwavable peach cobbler:
Your favorite
Your favorite food was peaches.
Your mother shaking her head knowingly over her shoulder on the couch.
The clatter of our stocking feet sliding on the linoleum toward the basement stairs
And feeling...
Comfortable
Content
Light
Free
And I clench my fists
My insides lurch...  happiness...  is not a word we say in this house...
And my hand is clutching your shoulder and I'm shouting at you:
'Why don't you love me'
And the cobbler simmering behind on the table and the snowsuits in piled cocoons in the covered porch and the sleds still dripping against the glass of the inside window and the world just seems slow-motion as my chest clenches hard on my ribcage and your eyes mist over...
'What more can I do?'