Not Okay

I'm not okay
and I don't know how to tell you
I don't know how to say
That everything you do and say is going to make me sad
That my crying is probably not a reaction to a real emotion
But some strange chemical reaction that I cannot control and somehow don't want to.

I am not okay
And I cannot make anyone understand
How not okay I truly am
and how alone I feel in my not okay-ness
And how guilty it makes me
How...
Ashamed

It is the week of Thanksgiving and I should be thankful
and making memories
But the anxiety and the stress and the rigamaroll makes me instead reeling and tired and wanting to hide from everyone who can help me.

I am so tired
Of being punished
For being happy.