When I am On Fire

Sometimes
It is good
To re-ignite your anger.

People tell you anger is unhealthy
Anger is a secondary emotion
Anger is something to be suppressed
But let's be real
When it comes to Kurdish children burning alive and Donald Trump existing and the way you post "cutie pie" memes on your new girlfriend's page I think anger is
Justified.

I had lulled myself into believing our friendship was a valuable something
And my therapist said you're choosing to be in relationship with me
And that's why you keep on texting
But I'm starting to think
Just maybe you just like me as your emotional chopping block
As your test subject for your puns
As your liability issue
As your means to instantaneous jealousy from other women
As your toolbox of bullshit
As your crazy ex-girlfriend - so easy to access
As the one who has the studio in her basement and you had an agreement that you could always use it even though you dumped her

So I open up your Facebook page and I see her little heart reacts and I see you posting clickbait for her
And all those other girls who don't know about her
And I remember that feeling of fucked up-ness you made me feel
All those months almost a year ago now and
How I felt it the whole time we were together
And how you bent me like an old wire hotel hanger into knots I didn't know about and couldn't untangle because metal begets metal and wire hangers don't bend all the time like rope instead, eventually, they break

I think you want to break me.

Maybe that's why I'm still agreeing to meet you at the coffee shop.

Maybe I think I deserve to be broken.

Maybe I need you to bend me just a bit more

Maybe not.

Maybe I want to see how you wiggle when my bones don't dance the way you imagined
How you squirm when I stand over you and the tiny table in the back of the place you know I hate but it's her favorite
Maybe I'll order quiche because I know you hate it
Maybe
Anger
Is unhealthy
But sometimes I need to light it up again
Chew it up thoroughly and spit it right at you
Because I can't go on feeling these primary emotions
Hurt
Pain
Despair
Confusion
Upheaval
That's what you want from me and Anger
Can sit inside and boil
Anger can crown me Queen of my Everything
Anger can get me through with a smile on my face and you none the wiser
Anger hides like tears don't let you
Anger is under the mask I put on so easily

Remember how I shared about my abusive childhood
You didn't get to get angry when your father would slap you and your mother would mourn and hide in the bathroom
You got through with a whip smart dialogue and a pasted on grin and it didn't matter what was under it to them but what was under it kept you alive.
Kept you unblinking
Kept your wits about you
Kept you faster thinking
Kept you missing being swatted like so many flies
You can't be a fly
When you're the whole damn cake on which they're feasting
I don't smear though
I'm not fresh icing
I've had a whole lifetime to get thicker
So sweet you can't taste me
Too hard to get to the inside

I'll meet you for coffee.
I'll meet you.