Difficult

 I was not Difficult

I was 16.

I was pining

I was dedicated

I was working so hard for you to admit that you saw me.

And you did, you know?

You did. Fucking. See me.

And you took advantage of that.

I still don't want to believe that your soul was that crusted over with slime, honestly.

I saw you as a beautiful boy with so much...

Potential

So much it was crushing, wasn't it?

Actor, bass in the choir, sad. sad. boy.

But I couldn't Shake it Off like Taylor,

I cried in the corner,

I wrote you poetry, love letters - called your house and lived through the peril of your mother who hated me so much, you said...

I ran from her at your graduation, and I wonder now if that was even true:

What did you tell her about me?

The summer before I met you, I was raped.

Call it what it was.

And I told no one

Because I didn't understand what was happening

And you were so different and so seemingly kind and so precious and funny and I felt like you understood the nuance inside my body and brain and soul,

When I pressed you against the wall to kiss you, you were so surprised, but I thought I was doing just what was right, expected...

I look back at it now

Wiping the saliva from my lips, stepping back, eyes searching your face for some sign of approval 

And you...

Laughed awkwardly. Like I'd done something bad.

Like I'd been the bad thing, the aggressor, the perpetrator

I was all washed over with fear that I could ever hurt someone the way he hurt me

And maybe that's why I really broke up with you,

That moment in my basement where I realized I could hurt someone

The blood rushing to my cheeks. You didn't like it.

Maybe you just didn't like me.

When my guy friends asked you about me, you called me Difficult.

"She's... Difficult," you said.

I remember wondering how I could make myself smaller so you would have an easier time.

And I did. I shrank into so much nothing that when I watched you kiss someone else I decided I deserved it for being so dirty and so dumb and so Difficult.

Why couldn't I just be easy.

Why was I always making everything so hard.

When Jon told me that he would tie me to a tree and no one would ever find me,

I told my Dad. And he told me, "Jon would never say that; just go to bed,"

Difficult.

Keeping the house awake at 2AM, I guess it was too much,

Too much

Again

And I wanted You. Honest. I thought about a life where it would be So Easy.

Because I wouldn't have to be me.

If I could disappear,

You would love me.

Five years ago, you were in the car with my best friend and another ex of mine and you brought me up out of nowhere, not knowing that my bff was texting me Live From the Backseat.

You debated about who in the car knew me best.

You argued with them that it had to be you.

But you didn't know me, did you?

You knew the Ghost that Remained after I killed that Difficult Girl.