Today I feel a guilt
That pulls down the skin around my eyes
That causes bruising
And bags
I peruse pictures and I think
'I want to be her'
and then I realize I really don't
Not deep down at the bottom
But it doesn't stop that tugging on the strings of my heart
I don't know how you feel
Not really
Not your deep down bottom feelings
I wish I could stop
Being
A
Secret
Get a letter in the mail from you
Notice you showed up for my show
Send a congratulatory note without feeling like a complete swamp monster:
I know and you don't know and I'm...
A mistress?
Something...
A...
Friend
You're
Fucking?
I don't know what to do or how to be today
I want to hide
And scream
And beg you to...
What?
Commit something?
Want me more?
I have spent so much of my life attempting to be honest/authentic/real... and this feels
Forced/pained/wrong/hard...
Not every day
But today
Fresh out of your bedsheets
I want to wash off an invisible crusting
How do you do it?
Compartmentalization?
It seems so easy for you
Not to think about me
Us
It
And just...be.
Does that mean you don't love me?
The want is endless, but the definition is nothing.
No comments:
Post a Comment