Codependent Polyamorous Pandemic

Night comes like fetters
I don't get enough sleep
I think you hate me
I don't take my meds on time
I think you hate me
I spend so much time
Thinking you might hate me
I would miss it if you actually did

I want to take apart this old camera
And I feel like I need to let you do it for me
Because it makes you feel needed
Necessary
And I look at you when you look at my wedding picture
and part of me feels guilty because that was one of the best days of my whole life
Everything was how I thought it should be besides the food
We didn't get anything but chicken fingers:
Ironic that we don't eat meat now

I don't know how to do much
I don't know how to do anything
I put words on paper and hope that someone will read them
And the dark void I thrive in will get a little lighter
I just keep reaching out my arms
I hope you'll catch me -
Catch me
I don't want to keep falling
But somehow I'm falling all the time

I need new pants from crawling toward people I love on my knees
I've gotta learn how to stand up
Stop being shackled by afternoons where everything I am is too much for everyone around me
It's just in my head
It's just in your head, Missy.
Missy, like a slur, not like my name
Girls trying to put things together and being told they shouldn't be using tools at all.
Codependency is a trap
Like drinking
But worse
Because you keep on taking it with you
And alcohol, at least sometimes, you get to leave inside the bar.

They told me if I prayed hard enough Jesus would take away the sad feelings
But they told me that I needed to be needed to be loved
So how do you undo that sad story of oppression
Oh, Jesus, do you love me when I ask for things that I want
When I want things and I ask and you get mad...
Do you get mad?
How much of Jesus in my head is my father
My mother
The wanting
How much of my lover is my father
My partner
Jesus
God
Where does the me meet out of it? Where does the me fit into it?
Where does the me end up when they tell me they just want me to be happy?
I don't know how to be happy
What is that: happy?
Joy looks like guilt to me.
I'm just looking for a shackle key
Keep thinking if I look hard enough you'll have it,
It's probably in my pocket
But I can't seem to reach it.